Sometimes I wish I didn't need spreadsheets and checklists. I wish I could just "be." Why am I so concerned with every thought in my head being just right... with every plan being carried out meticulously? But then I never follow through and it makes me feel like a failure.
If I only I provided myself with as much grace as Jesus already has... then I could possibly breathe a little easier and just follow Him without the baggage of constantly having to be “on.”
Some days I am content with myself, but there are some days I really don't like myself, where I just feel like a dork. But that's ok. I'm working on it. I know God loves me, my friends love me, my family loves me and my husband really loves me, except when he doesn't… Like when I come up with excuses for not going out. But even then, I'm pretty sure he still loves me even if he's annoyed.
It's really sad how many of us have insecurities when the truth is God doesn’t see what we see. God looks at us through clear glass, and can see the imperfections, while also seeing our strengths and gifts. However, many of us look at ourselves in a warped circus mirror. Everything appears backwards, our weaknesses are exaggerated, and our strengths are nowhere to be found. But we can’t believe the mirror. It lies - every single time.
Every part of us is warped when we depend on that version of ourselves.
The biggest problem I have (holler if you've been here) is that I have such high expectations of myself which I will never be able to meet, yet I hold others to these standards as well. But I'm constantly reminded we are all imperfect so none of us will be able to reach the top of these ridiculous mountains, and we are constantly disappointed. It's a cycle that needs to be broken.
For me to truly love others through the good and the bad, and to build lasting, trusting, authentic relationships, I need to love myself first. Only then can I love others for who they are.
I really need to see myself through the eyes of God to be able to love myself, and I need to see others through the eyes of God to be able to love them.
There are many promises in the Bible regarding who we are to God and how God sees us, but my favorite is this verse from John. It provides me with a calmness, a peace. I know that I’m not so bad after all.
God chose me… God loves me… God calls me friend...
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.” John 15:9-17
Why is it so hard to love ourselves?