The Fog has been Lifted

My daughter will be 7 months old next week and finally the fog has been lifted. 

The fog that has been drowning me for over a year… since the moment I found out I was pregnant.

The fog that forced me to go from being future oriented to only dealing in the here and now, I was on survival mode.

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When my mother was 35 years old, she already had six children between the ages of six and 15. Here I am, about to turn 35, and just a few weeks away from having my first child, a daughter. It’s been a long road to get to this place of finally being a mother. I used to worry about getting older, running out of time to do all the things I want to do, but now I’m realizing that the more self-aware you are, the more wisdom you can gain throughout the years, making the life ahead of you that much less stressful and that much more joyful. 

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The End of an Era

Eighteen years ago this month, while a senior in high school, I hung a picture of Derek Jeter (and another of Andy Pettitte) from the newspaper in my locker. My brother, Jason, had recently taught me about the classic NY Yankees, and I had become enthralled by these young, talented (and yes, good looking) players, as well as the history of the franchise. I was learning what their strengths were, and excited for the 1996 World Series to begin. 

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Dear Baby Girl...

We decided 10 years ago that we were ready to meet you.  We’ve waited patiently… and impatiently… and now there are only about 5 weeks left until we see your beautiful face. The mixture of joy, love, trepidation, and anticipation is overwhelming at times. Our hearts are going to burst. We can only pray we do right by you, our beautiful precious child.

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The Blessing that is "Thank You"

Yesterday at work a co-worker quickly stuck his head in my office and said, “Thank you.” I laughed and said, “what for, I’m just sitting here.” He reiterated “just thank you.” In the back of my mind, I had an idea of what I had done to warrant his kind affirmation but he refused to clarify for my curiosity what it was. It got me thinking, though, about how we interact with the people in our life, and how we often take people, their kindness, gifts, and abilities for granted. 

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Escaping the Wilderness

A few months ago I wrote a blog but I didn’t publish it. Then about a month later I revised it and added to it but still didn’t publish it. I couldn’t bring myself to putting my heart out there for all to read. But yesterday, I had four people touch my large pregnant belly, and one person asked if me I ever thought I would be in this place… in my third trimester… less than three months away from giving birth to my baby… after years of trying to build our family.

That’s a story I will tell one day, but it has been a slow process to work through my experiences and emotions. Also it’s been a roller coaster the past 5-10 years, and the final turn is still up on the horizon. The ending is still not written yet, but with God’s will soon enough… soon enough…   

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An Epilogue

Today I did something I never thought I would do… I posted our pregnancy announcement on Facebook. 

For years, I cringed anytime I saw a pregnancy announcement. Anytime I saw a sonogram. Anytime I saw a baby bump. Anytime a woman was ecstatic with joy for getting pregnant after trying for less than a year without any intervention. I was jealous, bitter, angry and just plain annoyed. 

So I want to take this opportunity to speak to all the women and men who have gone through the same struggles as Rich and I have.

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